In 2009, I learned that there was no realistic way my best friend would ever be able to become a father -- his greatest desire in life. I decided then that I would offer to be a surrogate for him (which didn’t sound realistic at the time). A year later, I made that offer. He accepted, and in Nov. 2011 I got pregnant.

I’m writing this blog because I’m not the typical surrogate. For one, in the terms of the trade, I’m an altruistic traditional surrogate (I’m unpaid and the egg is mine) with a totally open arrangement with the dads. Most importantly, though, this is my first pregnancy (NO ONE thinks this is a good idea; most surrogates already have their own kids).

Also, we’re all gay, so this is going to be the gayest baby ever.*

- The Deputy

*Except for the children of those many, many other sets of three or more gays who decided to combine their powers to procreate...

March 13, 2012

Q: Why did you choose to carry someone else's baby before having your own?

Oh hey! Thanks for asking!

This is a pretty big deal because I haven't run into any other surrogates on the internet who are having their first kid (I know you're out there!!! contact meeeee!). One big reason for this is that in order to work for a surrogacy agency you MUST have already had your own kids. I haven't seen any reasons given explicitly, but I assume it's because a) they want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into and b) in theory this should lessen the chance you become attached to the kid? (Any pro surrogates want to chime in here?)

So, I guess you're assuming that I want my own kids... and you'd be very RIGHT. I've always wanted kids, and not for a moment -- in the midst of screaming children or bratty teenagers -- have I doubted that desire (despite being a member of a yuppie demographic that rejects the idea that a normal life trajectory requires kids).

BUTTTT - here's the thing: I really don't want them now. Or anytime soon. Or, really, anytime sooner than biologically necessary. I think this is partially induced by the fact that my mother had me, her only child, late-ish (at 36). I grew up with this vague belief that 36 was baby-making time, so at 27 my biological clock hasn't even been wound yet.

When I told Wolfram and Winchester I wanted to do this for them, I told them the sooner the better. Being a grad student sucks in many ways, but it's kind of an awesome time to be pregnant. I'm in the dissertation-writing phase, so I don't have a set schedule. I can basically work whenever and wherever I want, leaving plenty of flexibility to be sick, moody, bitchy and whatever else pregnant chicks are supposed to be (though I am still too good for all that shit ;). And this leaves me free to put off having my own kids for as long as I want/can, without saving up any fertile years for others!


  1. I know what you mean. My mom gave birth to me (I'm also an only child) at 41, so I think I'm going to take my time, just like she did.

    1. Yeah, but then we also run the risk of waiting TOO long and missing fertility!! It's commonly rumored that having a kid extends one's fertility, but I have no idea if this is true or not. If it is, though, surrogacy is a kinda perfect solution for folks like us!

  2. I am starting the conversation with some friends right now to help them start a family. I'm a lesbian and never plan on carrying my own children so I figured I'd help them out. All I keep running into are posts and comments saying that you can absolutely not be a surrogate if you've never had your own children. I was glad to find your blog!

    1. Hi Heather! I'm glad to offer a different perspective, though the opposing sentiment is strong enough that I'm sure they're not completely baseless in their concerns. If you'd like to chat about anything, feel free to drop your email in my comment box!