In 2009, I learned that there was no realistic way my best friend would ever be able to become a father -- his greatest desire in life. I decided then that I would offer to be a surrogate for him (which didn’t sound realistic at the time). A year later, I made that offer. He accepted, and in Nov. 2011 I got pregnant.

I’m writing this blog because I’m not the typical surrogate. For one, in the terms of the trade, I’m an altruistic traditional surrogate (I’m unpaid and the egg is mine) with a totally open arrangement with the dads. Most importantly, though, this is my first pregnancy (NO ONE thinks this is a good idea; most surrogates already have their own kids).

Also, we’re all gay, so this is going to be the gayest baby ever.*

- The Deputy

*Except for the children of those many, many other sets of three or more gays who decided to combine their powers to procreate...

March 26, 2012

Ignoring and acknowledging pregnancy

Reason #53 why being a surrogate for your first pregnancy is different: my current lifestyle.

Sooo... you never see pregnant chicks out at bars. And definitely not at clubs. Ok, yeah, fine, we can't drink -- but I don't think that's why. People go out and don't drink all the time: they're driving, have to work early, they're broke... whatever. So why does pregnancy suddenly make them stop? 

A lot of pregnant ladies already have kids, and people with kids go out less, so there's one possible factor. But what about first timers? My only guess is that they're nesting -- getting ready for the Parenthood. I can see that happening with Winchester, even. He who used to stay up all night drinking whisky and smoking cigs is now in bed knitting at 10pm.

I'm not knitting, and I most certainly am not preparing for the Parenthood. So where does that leave me? As the only pregnant chick at the club. And it's kinda awesome -- going out sober is a totally worthwhile experiment (though I probably wouldn't make it a 9 month experiment if I had my druthers!). First, people watching becomes 1,000x funnier: drunk people are so silly! Second, dancing sober allows me to incorporate my work out routine into my social time: you see my awesome new dance move? Yeah, it's a hindu squat with calf raises. Drunk Deputy never would have pulled that off.

Since this big event of pregnancy isn't a sign of a change in life stage for me, I think it's really important  to maintain as much of my lifestyle as possible. I've had this approach so far and it's been great: I still go out to bars (but I don't drink), I still go to rugby practice (but I don't tackle), I still date (and I'll tell you about it some other time).

I'm very slowly learning, however, that I also need to be more open in acknowledging that I'm affected by this pregnancy in more than just the requisite ways. The other day I went out with my girlfriend and her friends and found myself exhausted at a very lively bar. I was crashing fast, as was my mood. Pretty soon I realized that no matter how little I wanted them, tears would inevitably fall, so I snuck out to my car in hopes of not getting caught. Girlfriend* found me in no time, and wasn't fooled by my cheery "oh just came out to get my phone!" So my sobbing started up again, interrupted only by sputters of "I'm sorry!" "I don't know what's wrong!" and "This is so silly!". And she said something relatively obvious that has completely changed my attitude towards this pregnancy: "I know you want to be the bionic pregnant woman just like your mom,† but call her up, and if she says this shit doesn't happen then she's lying. It's normal."

It was something I knew, but hadn't been quite ready to accept: having limitations during pregnancy isn't a sign of weakness -- and conversely recognizing them can be a strength. I'm getting better at it.

*She really wanted her blog alias to be Hotshot Johnson, but I finally decided that the more transparent "Girlfriend" would be easier for the reader. She understands, but hopes you still think of her as Hotshot.

† Legend has it that my mom ran three miles a day until month 7, had such a small bump that the postman never knew she was pregnant, and attempted to walk to the delivery room when nearly fully dilated. I called her up and asked her if she ever got extra moody when pregnant. She said "of course". 


  1. I just love reading this blog! I follow it daily.... you are doing a great thing!

  2. That girlfriend really should have been called Hotshot still and all, what a great ring it has to it!

    ps Great Blog!!

  3. Just stumbled onto your blog. While you definitely aren't the "normal" that we see as surrogates, you're effing awesome. Your blog is amazingly written, astonishingly honest and damn entertaining. And you're doing an amazing thing for your friend. Not having had your own children doesn't take away the awesomeness of this gift whatsoever.
    I thought I was an awesome writer... Until I read your blog. LOL. Can't wait to follow the rest of your journey :)

    1. Thanks for such kind feedback! Have you run across any other first-pregnancy surrogates? I can't help but feel that our experiences must be different from other surrogates in some crucial ways, and I would love to compare notes with one, but they are hiding from me!!!!

    2. Unfortunately I haven't. Most of the surrogates that I "know" via cyberspace are through agencies or working directly with an RE. I don't know of any REs that will approve a surrogate if she hasn't had a successful pregnancy/delivery before so it's pretty rare.

  4. I think you just hit a new stride with this one.
    (And I vote that you should have called her Hotshot Johnson. ;) )