Q: from a prospective surrogate

The Deputy,


I am so happy I found your blog.  My gay brother has asked me to be his (altruistic) surrogate.  I am very much interested however the 'fear of the unknown' is most certainly very much present, as this too will be my first pregnancy.  I'm 28 and do want kids on my own, however I've always said I will adopt as my view on kids is - why give birth when there are so many in need of parents already out there! Well anyway, I just wanted to see how your pregnancy is going, you should be around your 3rd trimester now, right? How are you feeling physically and emotionally?

Hi! Thanks for getting in touch! Sounds like you're very much in my boat. I really won't be able to give any advice until this is over (and my advice probably won't be any good until many years have gone by) but it doesn't sound like that's really what you're asking for. So I'll happily provide an update:

Ignoring and acknowledging pregnancy

Reason #53 why being a surrogate for your first pregnancy is different: my current lifestyle.

Sooo... you never see pregnant chicks out at bars. And definitely not at clubs. Ok, yeah, fine, we can't drink -- but I don't think that's why. People go out and don't drink all the time: they're driving, have to work early, they're broke... whatever. So why does pregnancy suddenly make them stop? 

A lot of pregnant ladies already have kids, and people with kids go out less, so there's one possible factor. But what about first timers? My only guess is that they're nesting -- getting ready for the Parenthood. I can see that happening with Winchester, even. He who used to stay up all night drinking whisky and smoking cigs is now in bed knitting at 10pm.

I'm not knitting, and I most certainly am not preparing for the Parenthood. So where does that leave me? As the only pregnant chick at the club. And it's kinda awesome -- going out sober is a totally worthwhile experiment (though I probably wouldn't make it a 9 month experiment if I had my druthers!). First, people watching becomes 1,000x funnier: drunk people are so silly! Second, dancing sober allows me to incorporate my work out routine into my social time: you see my awesome new dance move? Yeah, it's a hindu squat with calf raises. Drunk Deputy never would have pulled that off.

Q: How and/or Do you plan to co-parent in any way? What you're doing is incredible!

Right - I meant to address this at some point!

Winchester and Wolfram have the best attitude about my role that I could possibly hope for. They are open to any degree of involvement I want, and don't care when I decide. So, if I see that baby and decide to run for the hills, they won't come chasing me. Alternately, if I decide to move next door to them in Western Home State and be a third parent, they're cool with that, too.

Neither of those options appeal to me at all. I'm picturing something of a glorified aunt role - glorified really only by my initial contribution. But you can bet your ass I'm gonna give the best birthday presents!

So the short answer is no, I don't intend to co-parent. There are some things that I expect to change, though. Our really close friend Crono likes to talk about how friends are the family that you get to choose.  He, Winchester and I became 'family' a while back, but it seems likely that a little genetic gift will cement that bond (barring the possibility that Winchester and I end up hating each other).

Hey -  thanks a bunch for your support!

Q: Why did you choose to carry someone else's baby before having your own?

Oh hey! Thanks for asking!

This is a pretty big deal because I haven't run into any other surrogates on the internet who are having their first kid (I know you're out there!!! contact meeeee!). One big reason for this is that in order to work for a surrogacy agency you MUST have already had your own kids. I haven't seen any reasons given explicitly, but I assume it's because a) they want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into and b) in theory this should lessen the chance you become attached to the kid? (Any pro surrogates want to chime in here?)

So, I guess you're assuming that I want my own kids... and you'd be very RIGHT. I've always wanted kids, and not for a moment -- in the midst of screaming children or bratty teenagers -- have I doubted that desire (despite being a member of a yuppie demographic that rejects the idea that a normal life trajectory requires kids).

Shit people say when I tell them I'm a surrogate

The title of this post, borrowed from the popular internet meme, is misleading. The shit people say when I tell them I'm a surrogate isn't interesting - it's almost always something like, "What a wonderful thing you're doing!" "Wow! That's really amazing!" or "I can't even imagine! You're so impressive!"

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being showered in praise. I've had some seriously superlative sentiments expressed to me: that I'm the nicest person the speaker knows, that I have fulfilled my good-deed quota for life, and once even that I could now commit murder and still be a morally superior person. And to this I say, "Thank you. Indeed, I am awesome."

But this is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the friend or acquaintance who hears what I'm doing, looks at me and says, "Wow that's so great!" while their eyes tell a completely different story.

And what do I expect them to do?? Nothing else. For many of them it's the first time they've had any encounter with surrogacy, and there's simply no way for them to process their thoughts fast enough to give me an honest reaction.