I've been scanning surrogacy forums looking for other women who have been surrogates for their first pregnancies, because I believe there are some unique and very interesting aspects to our experience. In my search, however, I've found that people, especially those with experience with surrogacy, have VERY strong feelings against first pregnancy surrogacies. I knew it was ill advised, but it seems people are personally, as well as professionally, against it. This post is the first in a series that will explore the arguments against first pregnancy surrogacy.
I think the very best argument against it is that among the many medical risks involved in any pregnancy, is fertility loss. Any woman who wants to be a surrogate must accept that this pregnancy could be her last.
I've said before that I want to preserve my last fertile years for myself, but I don't mean that to imply that I don't recognize how real the possibility is that I might lose my fertility in this first pregnancy, the fruit of which is not mine. This didn't stop me largely because I'm gay, and so my relationships all have two uteri!
When I realized that the chances of me deciding to spend my life with a man were slim to none, my views on pregnancy changed. The thought of having biological children with my partner died, so I naturally started to ask myself what route to parenthood would be best for me - would I want to bear children? would I prefer if my partner did? would I want to adopt? I've been pretty ambivalent about these options -- after all, they all have the same end result: children.
The one thing that swayed me was that I thought that at least once, if my body could do it, I'd like to bear a child. This desire didn't spring from a preference for a biological child, but rather from wanting to see what my body can do. For not being a very ambitious person, I do like to push myself. I think that's why I still play rugby after 13 years of being a pretty bad rugby player, and why I'm trying to get a PhD despite not being a career oriented person. But honestly growing a tiny person inside of yourself trumps the shit out of throwing yourself at full speed at some girl's knees or writing a few hundred pages about something no one really cares about. So if this works out, even if I can never do it again, I am winning!
Also, I've managed to find one other woman on record who has gone through first pregnancy surrogacy: Amanda Broomhall. You can watch an interview with her here.
I love this! Thank you for putting it out there. My opinion was to wait to be a surrogate until I was done having my own kids BUT that is my opinion and I would never judge your choice negatively. It's sad that people have to react like shitheads when what you are doing is so selfless. You didn't decide to do this at some drunken party or on a whim. Screw the haters!
ReplyDeleteHaha, thanks so much for your support!! I think the haters have a point - it probably isn't a good choice for most people, and I guess I won't really know if it was the right choice for me until a ways down the road, but I think you're right - you can't just make blanket judgements!
DeleteI desperately want more babies of my own someday, but also wanted to be a surrogate. I'm still in the process of getting divorced and am single so making babies of my own isn't happening anytime in the near future. If I waited until I was done with my own family, we could be entering old rusty uterus territory and I didn't want to take that risk!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog though your comments on AAS. My BFF has wanted to be a surrogate for my husband and I since we learned I would never be able to carry children. She has never been pregnant and doesnt want children, but adores our son that we adopted last year and wants to help us expand our family. Up until a few months ago I kept thinking there was no way she could do it because she has never been pregnant, but we are exploring this as an option now and we are both excited at the prospect. Thank you for your blog!
ReplyDeleteVery cool! If she wants to get in touch with me, please have her send me her email address through my 'questions' thing! I feel comfortable with my first pregnancy surrogacy, but that's not to say it isn't a dumb thing to do. I'd just advise really embracing all of the worst-case-scenarios. At the very least, you can use me as a test case - we'll see how this all works out in a matter of months ;)
DeleteI love that your posts that unpack the most questions are also the funniest.
ReplyDeleteSomeone on allaboutsurrogacy.com pointed me toward your blog and I'm so thankful. I'm working with a gay couple to be a surrogate for my first pregnancy and this post perfectly summed up what I've been trying to tell people about why I want to do it and what I'm facing. I'm a lesbian too, and my thinking was that if my partner wants to bear the children, I don't want to be jealous, so here's my chance. Anyway, thanks!
ReplyDeleteHey Summergal! Great to hear from you! If you want to chat about anything in particular, drop your email address in the comment box on my page and I'll get back to you!
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