In 2009, I learned that there was no realistic way my best friend would ever be able to become a father -- his greatest desire in life. I decided then that I would offer to be a surrogate for him (which didn’t sound realistic at the time). A year later, I made that offer. He accepted, and in Nov. 2011 I got pregnant.

I’m writing this blog because I’m not the typical surrogate. For one, in the terms of the trade, I’m an altruistic traditional surrogate (I’m unpaid and the egg is mine) with a totally open arrangement with the dads. Most importantly, though, this is my first pregnancy (NO ONE thinks this is a good idea; most surrogates already have their own kids).

Also, we’re all gay, so this is going to be the gayest baby ever.*

- The Deputy

*Except for the children of those many, many other sets of three or more gays who decided to combine their powers to procreate...

May 2, 2012

First Pregnancy Surrogacy: fear of the unknown


Many surrogates, when asked about their motivation, list how much they love being pregnant or how easy their pregnancies are. For first pregnancy surrogates, this is obviously not the case. I had no expectation that I would love pregnancy (though I was interested in experiencing it) and I was prepared for it to be a major annoyance. To my delight, it’s only been the most minor of annoyances. And really, that best sums up my feelings about being pregnant: it’s a lot like not being pregnant, plus a few minor bummers (not drinking is the main one at this point).



I wonder if I could love pregnancy as a first pregnancy surrogate. There may be many fantastic aspects of pregnancy that I’m not allowing myself to explore because a part of me is afraid of enjoying it too much. For one, I know I don’t have the relationship with the fetus that many pregnant women talk about. I don’t get excited when I feel it -- it’s kind of weird and cool but while it still isn’t uncomfortable I really couldn’t care less. What I love is watching Winchester feel it.

In other surrogates’ blogs, the women speak very affectionately and even maternally about the babies they’re carrying, while I speak more affectionately about the rats in the subway (but no really, I think they’re cute). Maybe this just reflects a personality difference, but maybe it’s also that they already have a context for that affection. They’ve done this before for themselves; they know what it is to love a fetus. I don’t.

If I ever carry a child for myself, I look forward to comparing notes. Really, I want to write this entry with that kind of hindsight. So try checking back later (much later) for the full version.

6 comments:

  1. Miss Deputy- man we are so in sync with each other... I even like rats! well more mice, but still similar, hah. Although I am not nearly as far along as you yet, I have yet to experience the same feelings as I know many other prego women have but truthfully, Im totally cool & happy about that. I never wanted to have to even think about the "what if I become attached" feelings. Thankfully I dont think that will ever happen just due to my strong lack of desire to be a mom, but maybe this is all psychological and our lack of feelings is exactly the way its supposed to be. And I bet if in the future when you have a baby for yourself, you will have all of those other feelings as most expectant mothers do...

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  2. I am not in the same boat as you all, as I have had my own, however I agree with you completely. Throughout your own pregnancy you look for all of these "wonderful" happenings to occur. Like kicking and the growing bump. But for surrogacy all I want to see is a smile on the dad's face when I give him his son. The rest is 'like not being pregnant, plus a few minor bummers.' I think that if we were sentimental about the little things then there would be problems. When there is movement in my belly I think to myself, whew, we are on the right track. I do wonder about the surrogates that do 'feel' more. I always feel like I sound cold about this, but eh.

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  3. Yeah! I was nervous about movement starting, because I was told that that was when many women became attached to the fetus, but it hasn't been so (Jessica, let me know if this is the same for you). Mavis I agree, I usually think "phew! It's still alive!"

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  4. It's sort of a catch-22, isn't it - you did this because you wanted to know what it would be like to be pregnant, but you can't really let yourself feel what it would be like because that would mean bonding with the baby. So did you accomplish your goal of knowing what it would be like, or not? This has been nagging at me for weeks as I make my decision.

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    1. I think one of the most important thing I learned about being pregnant is that no two pregnancies are alike. To hell with anyone who says to you "Just wait until the back aches start!" or "Those hiccoughs are gonna piss you off!" because the only things you can guarantee in pregnancy are that a) you will gain at least some weight and b) there will be some pain at the end. Everything else is up in the air, and that's surely true of all the emotional aspects, too.

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  5. Firstly, I was afraid of surrogacy. I was not completely sure that I can trust t surrogate mother. Thus, I double checked all clinics in order to find the better one. It was looking for information on different medical resources, forums. It’s obviously needed to be legal specialized center of reproductive medicine with a good reputation. I wanted to receive a high level service and a good result. Finally I saw the advertisement of one Ukrainian clinic. It`s called biotexcom. They offer 5 attempts and guarantee success. Also they will return money in case of failure. We tried. And I was really shocked to hear that the first attempt was successful. Now I have two wonderful children. There is always the opportunity to find a suitable variant. Also I recommended not being lazy and reconsidering all information about facility whose services you are going to use.

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