In 2009, I learned that there was no realistic way my best friend would ever be able to become a father -- his greatest desire in life. I decided then that I would offer to be a surrogate for him (which didn’t sound realistic at the time). A year later, I made that offer. He accepted, and in Nov. 2011 I got pregnant.

I’m writing this blog because I’m not the typical surrogate. For one, in the terms of the trade, I’m an altruistic traditional surrogate (I’m unpaid and the egg is mine) with a totally open arrangement with the dads. Most importantly, though, this is my first pregnancy (NO ONE thinks this is a good idea; most surrogates already have their own kids).

Also, we’re all gay, so this is going to be the gayest baby ever.*

- The Deputy

*Except for the children of those many, many other sets of three or more gays who decided to combine their powers to procreate...

February 20, 2012

Miscarriage Shmiscarriage

I hit the second trimester mark this week (on the day before Winchester’s birthday, so he’s been saying for weeks that he gets the second trimester as a present!). Traditionally, this is also the point at which people start to talk openly about their pregnancy, as chances of a miscarriage drop significantly in the second trimester.

I think this tradition is the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard of. Here’s my reasoning, feel free to tell me that I’M a load of bullshit*:

Until relatively recently in history, miscarriages were blamed on the woman. Sooo… if you were a 19th century broad, you’d do well to hide any miscarriages you had, for fear of retribution. These days, we know better, but the stigma still exists.  Modern-day chick isn’t really conscious of the history, and says “OH! But it’s not because we blame the woman! It’s just that it’s awkward. We don’t want to draw attention.” You know why it’s awkward??? Because your average joe has NO idea how common miscarriages are. And why does he not know how common they are? Because we actively hide the fact that they happen.

So, in my perfect world, this is how things would play out:

Freddy the barista: Hey Maggie, what’s new?
Pregnant Maggie: Kinda big news, actually! I’m pregnant!
Freddy the barista: No shit!! How far along are you?
Pregnant Maggie: About a month
Freddy the barista: Oh man, I’m pulling for ya!
Pregnant Maggie: Thanks! We’re hoping for the best!

See, Freddy wouldn’t congratulate Maggie, because he would know the pregnancy was still tentative. If, three weeks later, Maggie suffered a miscarriage, she would go through a grief that I admittedly know nothing about, but she wouldn't have to do it in secret. Maybe she would even feel less alone and less despairing because she’d know several women who had gone through the same thing.

Well, that’s not where we are today, and I don’t hold it against anyone who decides to wait to tell in the current social environment. But maybe this is changing?? Way to go, Jay-Z

*but I probably won't believe you


  1. This is an important perspective and touches on one of many aspects of grief that we are very awwwwkward about in our present culture.

    1. Oh yeah huh! First stop miscarriage, next stop rape, abuse, addiction and on!