I was really upset about having a c-section. From the moment Hottie Midwife first said the word till right now, I've been upset about it. Not only was I really upset about the c-section itself, but it sent me into months of soul searching over WHY I was so upset about it, which was probably more annoying than the c-section itself.
Let me first share with you some of the reasons I considered, which I have since realized were NOT, in fact, bothering me:
February 25, 2013
January 29, 2013
Attachment and all that
I've been impressed by how openly friends and acquaintances ask me the question on everyone's mind, "Do you feel attached?" I thought it was going to be another one of those beaten-around-the-bush questions, couched in "So how ARE you?" and "But how have you been feeling?" but people just come on out and ask, which I greatly appreciate.
I was prepared for a certain amount of attachement. When I made my decision to carry for Winchester and Wolfram, I made a kind of budget of discomfort I was ready for:
9 months no drinking: :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
9 months no rugby: :( :( :( :(
physical discomfort: :( :( :(
pain of labor: :( :( ?????
attachment sadness: :( :( :( :(
Those four frowny faces translate to roughly a couple months depression that I was ready for. My actual discomfort was very different:
9 months no drinking: :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
9 months no rugby: :( :( :(
physical discomfort:
temporary insanity: :(
pain of labor: :( :(
anger over c-section: :(
attachment sadness:
Not so much as a moment. I bore one very nice baby, but there hasn't been a single second that I've thought to myself, "Sure would be cool to have an infant around here!" I'll have a baby for myself when I'm damn well ready - but right now I'm happy in my spontaneous, self-absorbed existence.
I am, however, excited to see this girl grow. Babies are a little boring to me, but it will be great to see her start walking and talking, etc. Wolfram, Winchester and she stayed with me for a couple weeks after birth before they could fly to Western Home State. It was cool, but it sucked that the two weeks we got to hang were her first two weeks - when she was possibly the most boring human being she will ever be. Babies can do nothing - NOTHING. She wasn't even in control of the wacky facial expressions she made! I'm sure that when she's older and more interesting we'll be able to hang out more.
I was prepared for a certain amount of attachement. When I made my decision to carry for Winchester and Wolfram, I made a kind of budget of discomfort I was ready for:
9 months no drinking: :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
9 months no rugby: :( :( :( :(
physical discomfort: :( :( :(
pain of labor: :( :( ?????
attachment sadness: :( :( :( :(
Those four frowny faces translate to roughly a couple months depression that I was ready for. My actual discomfort was very different:
9 months no drinking: :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
9 months no rugby: :( :( :(
physical discomfort:
temporary insanity: :(
pain of labor: :( :(
anger over c-section: :(
attachment sadness:
Not so much as a moment. I bore one very nice baby, but there hasn't been a single second that I've thought to myself, "Sure would be cool to have an infant around here!" I'll have a baby for myself when I'm damn well ready - but right now I'm happy in my spontaneous, self-absorbed existence.
I am, however, excited to see this girl grow. Babies are a little boring to me, but it will be great to see her start walking and talking, etc. Wolfram, Winchester and she stayed with me for a couple weeks after birth before they could fly to Western Home State. It was cool, but it sucked that the two weeks we got to hang were her first two weeks - when she was possibly the most boring human being she will ever be. Babies can do nothing - NOTHING. She wasn't even in control of the wacky facial expressions she made! I'm sure that when she's older and more interesting we'll be able to hang out more.
January 9, 2013
Dating and Surrogacy, Part III
It's a funny thing to make the decision to break up with someone you love and who makes you happy. Oddly enough, this is something I've done twice in my life - once with a girlfriend who lived 3500 miles away, and second with Hotshot, just before I began my surrogacy.
We tease each other a lot about who broke up with whom, each accusing the other of leaving us helpless and heart broken -- but we both know it was mutual. We were afraid, and I think wisely so, to drag a fledgeling relationship through such unknown territory. So we called it quits, and each did our own thing for a while.
Four months later I was two months pregnant when we decided that maybe this pregnancy thing wasn't such a big deal after all. That's not to say the time apart was in vain - when we got back together we were closer and more confident in our love than we'd ever been before. We knew we weren't together because of momentum or because we'd taken the path of least resistance, but because we really, truly wanted to be.
We tease each other a lot about who broke up with whom, each accusing the other of leaving us helpless and heart broken -- but we both know it was mutual. We were afraid, and I think wisely so, to drag a fledgeling relationship through such unknown territory. So we called it quits, and each did our own thing for a while.
Four months later I was two months pregnant when we decided that maybe this pregnancy thing wasn't such a big deal after all. That's not to say the time apart was in vain - when we got back together we were closer and more confident in our love than we'd ever been before. We knew we weren't together because of momentum or because we'd taken the path of least resistance, but because we really, truly wanted to be.
January 8, 2013
LABOR
Over the past few months, I've occasionally gotten nervous messages from nice people who follow this blog: "hey, you disappeared, assume you had the baby, how is everything?", "How are you? I've missed your posts lately. Did you deliver yet?" I'm very sorry if I alarmed anyone, or caused them to conclude that I was scarred by giving birth to a breech hedgehog and experiencing intense surrogacy remorse. The truth is I've just had better things to do with my new freedom :D
The short of it is: on August 16th, my uterus tried to kill the baby. The doctors stepped in with a last minute c-section and saved the day! Winchester and Wolfram now have a lovely little girl (if I do say so myself!) no worse for wear, and I recovered quite swiftly.
The long version goes something like this:
The short of it is: on August 16th, my uterus tried to kill the baby. The doctors stepped in with a last minute c-section and saved the day! Winchester and Wolfram now have a lovely little girl (if I do say so myself!) no worse for wear, and I recovered quite swiftly.
The long version goes something like this:
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