In 2009, I learned that there was no realistic way my best friend would ever be able to become a father -- his greatest desire in life. I decided then that I would offer to be a surrogate for him (which didn’t sound realistic at the time). A year later, I made that offer. He accepted, and in Nov. 2011 I got pregnant.

I’m writing this blog because I’m not the typical surrogate. For one, in the terms of the trade, I’m an altruistic traditional surrogate (I’m unpaid and the egg is mine) with a totally open arrangement with the dads. Most importantly, though, this is my first pregnancy (NO ONE thinks this is a good idea; most surrogates already have their own kids).

Also, we’re all gay, so this is going to be the gayest baby ever.*

- The Deputy

*Except for the children of those many, many other sets of three or more gays who decided to combine their powers to procreate...

May 17, 2012

Dating and surrogacy: Part II


When we left off, Hotshot Johnson and I had broken things off because of my impending surrogacy. My conviction that dating and surrogacy didn’t mix lasted a couple of weeks -- I didn’t even make an attempt to stop myself from pursuing Toasts. I still had a little time before the first insemination, after all, and who knew how many tries it would take? This was part of my justification, but moreover I had a feeling that my pregnancy wouldn’t be the issue for me and Toasts that it was for me and Hotshot. I was right, and the rest of this entry will be devoted to my musings on why that might be, though I admit it’s still a mystery to me.


The most obvious, and probably most important difference is that the idea of dating a pregnant chick made Hotshot pretty uncomfortable but didn’t faze Toasts in the slightest. If you know them, this will make perfect sense to you, but most of you don’t and will just have to remain in the dark, because I can’t explain it.

The second most important difference was in the state of our relative relationships. Hotshot and I had started seeing each other as casually as can be, and had only reluctantly moved into relationshiphood. I was convinced that if we decided to date into the surrogacy she would be locking herself in for 9 months and I would be for much longer (on the theory that 1. you can’t just dump a pregnant chick and 2. you can’t just dump someone who stuck with you through a pregnancy). It was an unprecedented level of commitment for our intentionally casual and lighthearted relationship.

But now let’s take Toasts. She knew all about my surrogacy plans before anything started between us. It was a precondition, and that simple fact made it seem like a non-issue from the get go. As we got closer, it became clear that she was interested in and excited about the surrogacy, not simply accepting of it.  We were together through my successful insemination and first trimester, and when we did break up it had nothing to do with my surrogacy. We realized that we weren't going to work as a couple, but she's just as supportive of this crazy project now as a friend as she was as a girlfriend.
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3 comments:

  1. UnknownMay 17, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    Sounds like you have a good friend with Toasts! Sorry it didnt work out relationship-wise but glad she is still there for you. It is interesting concept for me as well...dating w/ being a surrogate...

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  2. The DeputyMay 18, 2012 at 12:05 PM

    I sure do! And I'd love to hear about your dating adventures, too!

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  3. ~ C ~May 19, 2012 at 4:24 PM

    I found that I received more casual propositions from my male friends while I was pregnant than I did when I wasn't pregnant! I think some people just appreciate what pregnancy does to a woman's body more than others. There is nothing more beautiful to me than a woman full of another life! And I'm sure for the men, it's a matter of security that there is NO chance that relations would result in a pregnancy! I never did get to experience pregnant with twins relations. Maybe next time I'll find someone as supportive as Toasts is for you!

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